Just Call Me Jacob

In recent weeks I have a had a disturbing realization. Over the past year and a half, Jon and I have been on a difficult journey. I'm sure many of you already know this fact. In classic Cheryl fashion I have mucked things up in a big way, and made everything more painful than it needed to be.

I have felt for a long time, that God wanted me to let go. When we moved to the house we live in now, I put all I had into building a HOME. Consequently, I am very attached to it. A thing. A house. A house that would be nothing...empty, without us. So, I set about "letting go". Of the house. Of the community. I detached. I accomplished it and then set about patting myself on the back. Applauding myself, because it wasn't an easy thing to do. In my supreme ego, I thought I was "done" growing and decided it was God's turn to do something.

In classic God fashion, He wasn't done with me yet.

Those of you who know me, know I have a slight issue with control. Being human, I have always viewed this attribute as one of my strengths. I have always totally and wholly believed that while this trait may annoy some, it makes me a stronger person. Never occurred to me that God may want me to let that go too. Which has made my struggle, my night with God if you will, a particularly long and painful one.

After Jon's last interview fell through I hit bottom. You see, God said to let go and I did. Then I set about making plans. I SAID I was waiting on God. But I was only waiting on Him to put all MY PLANS into motion really. I decided which job God should give Jon, then I started picking school systems and homes and packing up our house. My faith has never been my weakness. I KNEW that His plan for us was perfect. I KNEW that He would come through for us. But, silly me, I really thought He would agree with MY PLAN for us. I really thought that I KNEW what was best for us.

Therefore, I came out of that last power struggle limping, crippled...like Jacob. And I have finally conceded...I really do want his best...which means I have to let HIM make my plans.

This afternoon, Jon is flying to Raleigh. For another interview. I'm not asking for prayers. I'm not making any plans. I'm waiting. This job is either the one. Or it's not. Only time will tell. God's time.

I will control what I can and stop trying to control what I cannot. It's just too tiring. Originally, I thought when Jon didn't get that last job, that God had broken my heart. In time, after I had mulled things for a few weeks, I realized it wasn't my heart He broke, it was my pride. It was my will. In classic Cheryl fashion, it took a year and a half for me to get it. Sad, huh. Well, for now, I've got it. I'm not saying I won't have to be taught this same lesson again ever. For now though, I am at peace.

And we shall see what happens.
I love you all!